"They call this love" refers to the social, cultural, and emotional label applied to intense romantic feelings, behaviors, or relationships-often without those involved fully understanding whether the experience aligns with authentic connection or performance of love. The phrase captures the gap between perceived romance and actual emotional intimacy.
The term surfaces in music, literature, and everyday conversation when people describe relationships that feel passionate, consuming, or dramatic-yet may lack mutual respect, communication, or long-term stability. It's not a clinical diagnosis, but a cultural observation about how society frames certain emotional states as "love" even when they don't meet core criteria for healthy partnership.
For example, a person might say, "I've been through everything with them-they call this love," after enduring cycles of conflict, jealousy, and emotional withdrawal. The phrase reveals doubt about the label itself, suggesting that the intensity of feeling doesn't equate to sustainable or nurturing connection.
"They call this love" emerges when emotional experiences don't match expected outcomes. It's often used during moments of crisis-after a breakup, during prolonged silence, or when one partner feels emotionally drained. The speaker isn't rejecting the relationship outright; they're questioning whether the label fits the reality.
This phrase functions as both critique and confession. It acknowledges that the relationship has been framed as romantic, but also signals internal disagreement. The speaker may feel trapped by expectations: "Everyone says we're in love, but I'm exhausted." This dissonance is common in young adulthood, where media portrayals of love emphasize drama and sacrifice over mutual growth.
A 2021 study by the American Psychological Association found that 68% of adults aged 18-30 reported experiencing confusion about whether their relationships qualified as "love," especially when partners displayed possessiveness, jealousy, or frequent emotional volatility. These traits often trigger the phrase-not because love is absent, but because the behavior doesn't reflect the values people associate with love.
The phrase typically arises from specific patterns in relationships. Common triggers include:
These aren't definitive proof of unhealthy love-but they signal a mismatch between the label ("love") and the lived experience. When someone says "they call this love," they're pointing to a disconnect between narrative and reality.
For instance, a couple may celebrate anniversaries, exchange gifts, and post photos together online-yet rarely discuss future plans or share personal fears. The public image is one of devotion, but private interaction shows emotional distance. In such cases, the phrase becomes a quiet protest against performative romance.
People often mistake passion for love. Intense emotions-heart racing, obsessive thoughts, physical attraction-are not synonymous with care, trust, or commitment. The phrase "they call this love" exposes this confusion.
Another misunderstanding is equating frequency of contact with depth of connection. A couple who text constantly may feel "in love," but if conversations avoid vulnerability or conflict resolution, the relationship lacks emotional safety. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2020) shows that couples who communicate about stress and fears report higher satisfaction-even if they interact less frequently.
There's also a gendered dimension. Women are more likely to use the phrase in self-reflection, while men may express similar doubts through withdrawal or silence. A 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found that women were twice as likely as men to say they questioned whether their relationship was truly love-especially in high-conflict partnerships.
| Label | What It Signals | Red Flag? |
|---|---|---|
| "We're in love." | Emotional investment, shared identity, desire for future. | No-unless paired with control or isolation. |
| "They call this love." | Doubt about authenticity, emotional fatigue, misalignment. | Yes-indicates potential imbalance. |
| "I'm not sure anymore." | Internal questioning, uncertainty, emotional distancing. | Yes-signals need for reflection or boundary-setting. |
In 2023, a woman named Maya described her five-year relationship in a therapy session. They had moved in together, planned vacations, and posted on social media as "us." But she began noticing patterns: he canceled plans last minute, dismissed her concerns about his work hours, and reacted defensively when she asked about boundaries.
After a major argument, she said, "I've been trying to make this work, but I keep thinking-'they call this love.' I don't know if I'm in love or just afraid of being alone." Her therapist noted that the phrase wasn't about rejection-it was about recognition. She wasn't rejecting the relationship; she was recognizing that the label didn't fit the reality.
She eventually ended the relationship. Six months later, she said, "I realized I wasn't in love-I was in survival mode. The phrase helped me see that."
Not all relationships labeled "love" are harmful. Some people stay in emotionally charged situations out of fear, habit, or financial dependence. But when the phrase appears repeatedly, it's a sign to pause and assess.
True intimacy involves mutual accountability, shared decision-making, and emotional safety. According to Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, lasting relationships are built on "emotional attunement"-the ability to recognize and respond to each other's inner states. This is different from drama, obsession, or performative affection.
If you find yourself saying "they call this love," ask: Is my partner responsive to my needs? Do we resolve conflict without blame? Can I speak honestly without fear? If the answer is no, the label may be misleading.
"they call this love" is not a verdict-it's a question. It invites clarity. When the label no longer matches the experience, it's time to change what love means, not just to others, but to oneself.